Most Likely To Not Go Through A Bet
Chris Coons
Does anyone remember when Chris bet Matt that if Matt beat him in their first matchup, Chris has to wear a clown suit in public all day? I do. I remember he lost. I remember that Chris was supposed to dress like a clown. However, it never happened. I, for one, believe that this should not go forgotten. We need to remember the obligation that is owed upon us. Chris made a vow of blood, sweat, and tears with Matt, and so he should honor it. He should honor it in a way that would make all of us proud. He should honor his bet and the rights of this league to observe the honoring of this bet by dressing up in a clown costume, putting on clown make up, and parading himself in front of witnesses. Then, and only then, will the rights of this league be fulfilled. For if he does not, Chris may anger the fantasy gods who would then curse his season and would remained cursed till he fulfills his task. Like the Stanley Yelnats of past, until the obligation is fulfilled, waves of misfortune are to befall upon Chris mercilessly and incessantly.
Most Likely To Never Reactivate the League
Henry Gonzalez
The Most Likely to Never Reactivate the League Superlative goes to Henry. Formerly, it was the Most Likely to Do A Thousand Mock Drafts, but truth be told, that was an old joke that I was running to the ground. However, this new superlative is well earned. After going dark for the past few months, Henry has skirted his commissioner duties and run away from the idea of starting up the league for next year. Maybe he’s afraid to lose again, maybe he’s too busy doing mock drafts (sorry), or maybe some other third thing, but the end result is the same. This league is a dark room with most of us (or at least me) sitting at the edge of our seats, ready to jump at the chance to work on our future teams if only Henry could just click that one button that lets it all happen. Henry is currently MIA and all forms of communication have been met with failure. As the football season comes closer and closer, we must wonder if the Henry is somehow punishing us in some divine way. We must pray that this is not the case.
Edit: Just for the record, I wrote this while the League was not activated, and since then it has been. Thank you, Henry. Hope you can deal with some good-natured ribbing.
Most Likely To Get A Hat Trick
Shannyn Apolaro
A hat trick is defined by a successful action occurring three times in a row in any sporting activity. For the past two years, Shannyn has been our league champion. By default, this puts her to be the only one in position to win a third championship for a threepeat. However, the rest of the league will not lie quietly and allow this to happen. As Raiden united Earthrealm’s forces to fight in Mortal Kombat to prevent Outworld’s tenth consecutive win, and thus its right to invade Earthrealm, so too should we join forces and prevent Shannyn’s third win. Where’s a thunder god when you need one? Will a Liu Kang rise amongst the forces to repel the force of Shannyn Tsung’s power? We can only hope.
Most Likely to Draft Jameis Winston
Sam Greene
It’s no secret that Sam loves FSU. A man who will never give up his college pride, Sam always loved the fact that he went to Tallahassee for his higher education. And as soon as the FSU football team started perform and even win a championship, Sam became one of their biggest fans. Behind the skills and visage of Jameis Winston, the FSU community rode a high that lasted until Oregon utterly destroyed them in the playoffs. Soon Jameis Winston would continue his destiny by entering the NFL draft. Eventually he was drafted first overall by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. One of two rookie quarterbacks this season, the other being Marcus Mariota (Tennessee Titans), a lot of eyes will be on Jaemis to see if he can mirror the success from his college career on to the professional field. Now, personally, I am not a big fan of rookie quarterbacks. I usually avoid them as I believe them to be a risky investment. There are times well rookie quarterbacks will absolutely excel (e.g. Cam Newton, Andrew Luck), but there are also more times where they fall flat on their face (e.g. Brandon Wheeden, EJ Manuel (also from FSU), RG3). One of the FSU quarterbacks to be drafted, Christian Ponder, struggled immensely and eventually allowed Adrian Peterson to be 8 yards short of the season rushing yards record, since they barely trusted him to throw the ball. So the question is, will Jaemis perform? No one really knows and it is not until he plays that we will find out. Either way, Sam is probably a bit higher on him than most of us and so is most likely to draft him above his value.
Most Likely To Be a Racist
Alex Dieppa
Leading the way with Tom Brady, Julian Edelman, and a third round draft pick of Tim Tebow, Alex made his foundation to try to keep his white supremacist team going. Though drafting LeSean McCoy and AJ Green, it seemed he was only using it throw the scent of his would-be critics. As our draft for this year approaches ever closer, one can only imagine who Alex will draft. Andrew Luck? Riley Cooper? He should start taking after the Philadelphia Eagles who have more white players and less black players than any other team in the NFL. However, whereas the Philadelphia Eagles are an extremely interesting team to take track of, will Alex “Chip Kelley” Dieppa be able to similarly pull off a draft that will make us all think, is he a mad man or a genius?
Most Likely To Take Your Keepers
Matt Kilheeney
The aptly named Autodrafted KeeperSeekers was coined with Matt hilariously picked up players he never was supposed to. Unfortunately, ESPN does not allow a system for keepers to be picked at a certain point by a certain team, so we are forced to manually be aware what keepers are falling to who and when and know who to avoid drafting. This, as past experiences have clearly shown, is not always a clean system. Matt repeatedly made this mistake, whether by pure accident or a faulty internet connection, which was further compounded by the fact that this was one of the few times Matt was able to actually be in the draft and not autodraft. Suffering from awful trades with players such as Tim “I’m Still a Good QB” Tebow and Aaron “I Swear I Didn’t Murder Them” Hernandez, Matt was still able to make some smart mid season acquisitions and was able to make a solid run in the playoffs. Let’s see if this year the draft will be run as smooth as we’d like, or if more hilarious hijinks are to be set in store.
Most Likely to Use Photoshop
Jake Saltzman
There’s not much I can say, so instead I’ll just let some of the evidence speak for itself. A picture is worth a thousand words.
Most Likely to Trade Rape
Faran Khan
Our fantasy football league has been going on for about 4 years now. In these 4 years, I have had two heavily handed trades. The first happened in our second year of the league. Early in our season, before the season even started, in fact, Henry proposed to trade. After much deliberation, he decided to trade is AJ Green and CJ Spiller for my Victor Cruz and a running back for the Giants at the time, that I cannot even recall right now. I think it was Andre something. This was also the year that I picked up Alfred Morris off the waiver wire when he blew up. AJ Green and CJ Spiller quickly became a top 5 in both of their positions and carried me to the championship. The second trade rape happened last year. Corey, who was mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, traded away Peyton Manning, Calvin Johnson, and Ryan Matthews for my RG3, Alfred Morris, and Bishop Sankey. Though I was pained to rid of my trustworthy Alfred Morris, I tried to bolster my roster to topple the giant that was Shannyn. Though I failed, I still placed second. This trade also created an outrage and caused Henry to create the rule that if a player is mathematically from the playoffs, he or she may no longer trade with those who are not eliminated from playoffs. If the pattern continues, in the 6th year of our league, I will once again trade rape someone. What can I say? I’m serial rapist.
Most Likely To Not Change His Team Name
Brian Freedman
Brian’s BAMFs have always been here to stay. From season 1 to now, Brian has never changed his team name. Brian was the one who won our league in our first ever season and placed second in our second season. It may be that his team name seems to have good luck and so he decided to keep that name to make sure that his luck stays withstanding. It may also be that he desires some kind of consistency since Brian changes his roster so often, usually being the one with the most acquisitions of the entire league. Whatever the reason, the Bad Ass Mother Fuckers are here to stay and is an anchor point for all our seasons, no matter what happens.
Most Likely to Watch Another Sport
Corey Brooks
Okay, I have to admit, even to me this superlative sounds lame. I’m gonna be honest here, I had trouble with this one. No offense Corey, you have not really done anything in this league that I can try to make fun or highlight. You’ve been pretty consistent and solid, so I had no idea what I could attribute to you. I do know that you do heavily follow other sports, and if I’m not mistaken, casted a bit in college. Though most of the people in this league also follow other sports, I think it’s fair to say you most heavily involve yourself in other sports, beyond a casual viewer. So, due to my lack of creativity, Corey gets the most boring superlative. I apologize.
Bros Fantasy Football 