Week 3 5F Report

Faran’s Fun Fantasy Football Figures continues into week 3. Only two people remain undefeated, Corey “I’m the New Autodrafted KeeperSeekers” Brooks and Matt “The Original Autodrafted KeeperSeeker” Kilheeney. And two people are currently winless. Spoiler alert, they are the two newest members of the league. Can’t blame Chris, though. I mean, he was against Matt during his beast of a week. Anyway.

Let’s move on to this week’s trophies:

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Brought the Noise Award

Matt Kilheeney

This award is given to that team that scored the most points in the week.

Wow. Just wow. In terms of official recorded score, because I cannot confirm Henry’s alleged score of over 260 in our first season, this is the highest we have. Matt scored an astronomical 201.9 points. His players combined for a total of THIRTEEN touchdowns. Tom Brady threw for a respectable 358 yard. He had a total of 630 receiving yards! Holy shit! That alone is enough to almost tie Alex’s score this week! And to add on a respectable 166 total rushing yards, majority of which came from Devonta Freedman. Projected second round pick, Jeremy Hill, looked really bad in comparison, being the lowest scoring person on the roster at 2.1 points. He and TY Hilton were the ONLY players on Matt’s roster to not be in double digits.

Let’s go over how his players did.

Tom Brady got 22.7 points as the Patriots scored 51 points over the Jaguars.

Devonta Freedman got 37.3 points, which includes almost 200 total yards and three touchdowns.

Ignore Jeremy Hill.

Julio Jones got 28.4 points with over 160 yards and 2 touchdowns.

TY Hilton got 9.4 points with a respectable 94 yard game.

Greg Olsen got 25.4 fucking points as the only consistent bright side to the Panthers defense had over 130 yards and 2 touchdowns as a mere tight end.

Steve Smith Sr. got 30.6 points with over 180 yards and 2 touchdowns.

The fucking Cardinals defense got 30 points and scored two touchdowns.

And the goddamn kicker, Steven Hauschka scored 16 points. Just strong performances across the board.

Matt is absolutely bursting out to a strong 3-0 start securing him as the clear number one in our league, though Corey is a strong second as well. I don’t know the two autodraft bitches have the perfect records in our leagues right now.

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Mjolnir Award

Matt Kilheeney

This award is given to the team that won by the largest margin.

Do you know how many points Matt won by? 107.3. He more than doubled Chris’s score. In fact, with the exception of Corey, he would have beaten every other person even if their score doubled. This is one of those once in a few season games where all the cards line up and you have the best possible outcome. Let’s hope he hasn’t spent his good fortune too early in the season and still has good karma left for the rest.

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Alex Dieppa Award

Chris Coons

The opposite of the Mjolnir Award, this award is given to the team that lost by the largest margin.

I’m sorry Chris. You didn’t even have a bad week. Adrian “All Day is Back” Peterson and Joseph “Romo Who?” Randle helped carve over 25 points each and got a total of 53.1 points between the two. But when your opponent has one of those monster weeks, there isn’t much you can do. This may be the most undeserved trophy given. If anything, it is just a testament to how much Matt just dominated this week.

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Razor’s Edge Award

Faran Khan

This award is given the winner of the closest match up of the week.

Winning by 3.8 points, this is the only match up that was one by single digits, so a well deserved trophy. Coming down to the wire and narrowly avoiding any garbage time touchdown by Jeremy “First Chiefs WR TD Since 2013” Maclin, Faran avoided an 0-3 start. Sam wasn’t so lucky. It really came down to the prayer to the fantasy gods. (A prayer, by the way, that was mooched off by a certain team with a certain player from UM who plays for a certain team after a certain type of horse. It’s Corey.)

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The Wall in the North Award

Matt Kilheeney

This award is given to the team that had the highest scoring defense in play.

The big red giant played the big red team as their defense and it helped him propel to a 200+ week. The Arizona Cardinals only allowed 7 points, had 2 sacks, 4 freaking interceptions, 2 touchdowns, and even a goddamn safety. What the fuck is that shit? This defense topped the scoring of future hall of famer Tom Brady and even top receiver Julio Jones. The Big Red doing things for the Big Red.

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Thunder Thighs Award

Brian Freedman

This award is given to the team that had the highest scoring kicker in play.

Winning this award two times in a row, Brian just barely took this award from Matt. Brian picked up Gostkowski early in the draft, but it seems like it was a worthwhile investment. With a 51 point performance by the Patriots, it’s no surprise that team allows plentiful opportunities for him to score many points.

Just for the record, I’m gonna grip about this for a second. You know what my kicker score has been the last three weeks? -1, 0, and 0. Just saying.

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Calculated Award

Matt Kilheeney

This award is given to the team whose line up is closest to the optimal line up

Literally the only way that Matt could have made his line up perfect is if he had played Ryan Matthews instead of Jeremy Hill. It’s crazy how he could have gotten 14 more points from that change and made his high score even better. He had a percentage of 93.21% of a perfect life. Crazy.

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Tinkercide Award

Sam Greene

This award is given to the team that was furthest away from a perfect line up.

With a line up percentage of 73.07%, Sam was very close to winning this week. But close ain’t married, so Sam heads out to a 0-3 start. Better luck next week.

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Sacko Award

Alex Dieppa

This award is given to the team that scores the lowest amount of points in a week.

With a crazy low score of 66.6, Alex deservedly won this award this week. With Marshawn “Didn’t Have Enough Skittle” Lynch scoring a lowly 2.3 points and Chris “Am I Still Relevant?” Ivory scoring a big fat zero juking every one of his owners by being active but not playing a single snap, Alex’s running backs totally screwed him over.

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Well, that was all I had. Sorry I rushed it this week. Just been a bit busy.

As usual, here’s the Google Sheet document with all the stats from last week. Have fun with it. Take care. Fantasy on.

Week 2 5F Report

Faran’s Fun Fantasy Football Figures round 2 begins! After passing my first medical school exam, there is nothing to deter me from a good week. Except that I lost in fantasy. Again. By a lot. And also the Dolphins lost. To the Jags, of all teams. Sigh. As the weeks go on, I’m starting to think that this commissioner position is cursed, and the real reason Henry gave it up was because he wanted a chance to win. I’m on to you Henry. I’m on to you.

Real quick shout out to football’s cousin, rugby. The Rugby World Cup is in full swing, and recently, Japan just beat South Africa in a miraculous last minute try. To give context to what an incredible achievement this was, imagine Japan beating the US in basketball. So hats off to the Japanese team and good luck to them for the rest of cup.

Also, because Matt brought it up last time, I decided to change the color scheme of my awards. It’s a totally random color scheme. I don’t know why I used these two colors. I just did. No reason to look into it.

Let’s move on to this week’s trophies:

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Brought the Noise Award

Henry Gonzalez

This award is given to that team that scored the most points in the week.

Henry has the new record for highest score this season with a strong score of 124.6 points. Behind the force of his super strong receivers, Emmanuel “I’m the Only Reason Peyton Has A Job” Sanders and Antonio “Five Yards From Two Hundred” Brown, Henry darted his way to the top of the league. This only further cements my theory of the curse of commissioner role. You know who’s in last place? The current commissioner. In first place? The former commissioner. The signs are there people. Wake up, sheeple!

Relevant XKCD

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Mjolnir Award

Henry Gonzalez

This award is given to the team that won by the largest margin.

Henry had a great week in fantasy, but not only that, Shannyn had a terrible week. When these two factors combine, the result is Henry winning by 61.5 points. He almost literally doubled her points. His bench almost outscored her team. Does anyone else not see this? We’ve made a grave mistake. Henry needs to take his commissioner role back so he stops winning. He’s becoming the new Shannyn. God save us all.

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Alex Dieppa Award

Shannyn Apolaro

The opposite of the Mjolnir Award, this award is given to the team that lost by the largest margin.

I don’t know about this one. Are girls even allowed to win trophies? I feel like an apron would have been more appropriate. I think this week showed that Shannyn clearly belongs in the kitchen, cause she can’t handle the heat. No wait. That’s wrong. If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen. Where you belong? What. I’m totally fucking up.

Look, the important thing is that the runner up for this award would have been me because I lost by 43.1 points. The former commissioner destroys his opponent and the current commissioner gets destroyed by his. Who did you sacrifice, Henry, to get these results? Skip Bayless? Are we seeing an imposter on TV?

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Razor’s Edge Award

Alex Dieppa

This award is given the winner of the closest match up of the week.

With a win of 3.6 points, Alex earned himself the Razor’s Edge award by beating Sam. The epitome of a wet noodle fight, the former White Supremacists won behind the arms of Eli “I’m Funnier Than My Brother” Manning and Julius “What Position Do I Play” Edelman. I bet Sam really regrets playing the Buffalo Bills defense this week. Let this be a warning to all of you. Never play a defense that’s playing Tom fucking Brady.

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The Wall in the North Award

Corey Brooks

This award is given to the team that had the highest scoring defense in play.

The Denver Broncos defense really stepped up Thursday night to take down the Kansas City Chiefs. Given permission by their master, Peyton Manning, the Broncos defense was allowed to have the game winning touchdown on a pick 6. Peyton’s arm just wasn’t really feeling it that night. Looks like the Chiefs couldn’t tame this wild Bronco. GET IT? It’s not that great of a joke, get over yourself.

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Thunder Thighs Award

Brian Freedman

This award is given to the team that had the highest scoring kicker in play.

I bet Gostkowski is really feeling the soreness today. (You’re always the sorest on the second day.) Mr. I’ll Kick a Fifty Yarder scored nearly as much Aaron “I Wish I Had Jordy (Me Too)” Rodgers. The kicker is (teehee) that he almost had a third of my points with just the kicker alone.

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Calculated Award

Henry Gonzalez

This award is given to the team whose line up is closest to the optimal line up

Even with his bench pretty stacked, Henry was still able to have a 90.16% of a perfect lineup. That’s pretty impressive. And suspicious. So suspicious. It’s the curse. I’m telling you.

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Tinkercide Award

Faran Khan

This award is given to the team that was furthest away from a perfect line up.

My goddamn bench outscored me. I had a 60% of a perfect lineup. Just over half. I could have flipped a coin and probably gotten a better lineup. Anyone else notice that Henry and I are at the two extremes of the perfect lineup percentage range. The commissioner curse is real.

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Sacko Award

Faran Khan

This award is given to the team that scores the lowest amount of points in a week.

Fucking hell.

60.1 points. What the fuck is that shit.

I suck at fantasy.

No wait, that’s stupid. Let’s not blame me. Let’s blame the totally-not-made-up-I-promise commissioner curse.

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This week was interesting because many people score really low this week. Jake, Shannyn, and myself are scored within the 60s range. That’s not something we will probably see very often. It’s only week 2. No one is out of playoffs yet. Let’s keep fighting for it.

Here’s the Google Sheet document with all the stats from last week. Have fun with it. Take care. Fantasy on.

Week 1 5F Report

Faran’s Fun Fantasy Football Figures returns along with this new season! Something as small as medical school won’t deter me from such a high priority of a task. With this new season, I have a slightly more different format for the trophies and stats this year. Mainly, there are more colors! Oooooh! I’m like Apple, I hype up the little that I actually give. But still. Get hyped. We are back in full swing. So, let’s take a look at this week in football.

What a week, huh? Apparently for the Vegas books, it was awful. They usually hope for the underdogs winning, but actually 9 of the 13 games yesterday were actually covered. It’s funny to think that when the favorites actually win, it’s considered a bad thing. But we don’t try to make sense in the football world. Especially when it comes to fantasy. And for this season, I decided I’m going to start doing my excel reports on Google Sheets, so you’ll get a link to that. So without further ado.

Let’s move on to this week’s trophies:

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Brought the Noise Award

Jake Saltzman

This award is given to that team that scored the most points in the week.

Jake has won the first week’s Brought the Noise award with a total of 116.8 points. No one player carried him, by an overall strong performance from his QB, RB, WR, TE, and even DEF, Jake worked his way to a strong victory over Chris “I Had the First Pick of the Draft”  Coons. The Sailor Jupiters carried their name from last year, and the good luck seems to be continuing. However, this is just the first week of the game. Will Jake and the Jupiters be able to continue this streak? Only time will tell.

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Mjolnir Award

Matt Kilheeney

This award is given to the team that won by the largest margin.

Not only the runner up of the Brought the Noise award, Matt was able to win the Mjolnir award. Beating Alex with a large deficit of 35.7 points. Beating the owner of Black Lives Matter worse than police beat rioters in Baltimore, Matt shows why being white has his privileges.

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Alex Dieppa Award

Alex Dieppa

The opposite of the Mjolnir Award, this award is given to the team that lost by the largest margin.

The season starts off with this reward returning to its namesake. Alex Dieppa gets his ass handed to him by Matt. He may need to rethink the whole white supremacy thing. The black players on his team outscore the white players on his team. You know what they say about genetics and race. Absolutely nothing. In all honesty, there is absolutely no scientific evidence to show that one race is superior to another. Still, Alex should stick to avoiding the white players. They are cis scum.

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Razor’s Edge Award

Corey Brooks

This award is given the winner of the closest match up of the week.

A heart breaking loss for myself, but a miracle win for Corey. After needing Matt Ryan to outscore Matt Bryant, the clearly superior of the two Matts came through and kicked Corey to victory. Winning by a margin of 3.1 points, basically a field goal, Corey sets himself up nicely for the remainder of the season. This proves that one can still be an autodraft bitch, and still win.

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The Wall in the North Award

Henry Gonzalez

This award is given to the team that had the highest scoring defense in play.

The Carolina Panthers showed that they don’t need an underwhelming Cam Newton to win any game. With a spectacular defensive performance, they carried Newton to victory. Maybe they should just get rid of him. For the watch.

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Thunder Thighs Award

Corey Brooks

This award is given to the team that had the highest scoring kicker in play.

The MVP for Corey was Matt Bryant as he nailed every field goal for Atlanta as they barely won over Philadelphia Eagles. As the final seconds ticked and the chance for Matt to make a final touchdown dwindled, Corey won with a field goal advantage. His kicker outscored every other performer except for his defense.

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Calculated Award

Jake Saltzman

This award is given to the team whose line up is closest to the optimal line up

Jake was the only one to reach the coveted hundred percent perfect line up. Maybe that’s why he won the Brought the Noise Award, but either way, he made us all look like fools as we struggled on who would perform the best in week 1.

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Tinkercide Award

Alex Dieppa

This award is given to the team that was furthest away from a perfect line up.

Who knows why Alex couldn’t make the right calls this week? Eli had an abysmal game, meaning even Winston was outscoring him. Chris Ivory sat on the bench with a whopping 22 points. Other players who performed were just sitting there while duds like CJ Anderson and Amari Cooper couldn’t even combine for a measly 10 points.

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Sacko Award

Alex Dieppa

This award is given to the team that scores the lowest amount of points in a week.

Alex has just been absolutely shit on this week. See, this is what happens when you try be white and support black rights. Karma’s a bitch. Maybe next time you don’t try to appropriate other people’s oppression. Who are you to try to care about someone else when clearly your skin isn’t dark enough to have the right to care about another human or group of humans? Clearly, the ability to care for others can’t just be universal. Don’t be a dick.

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I know some of the paragraph are short and the amount of jokes are less, but surprisingly, med school is hard. I actually just cut my thumb today on a scalpel while dissecting a cadaver. I’m typing with 9 fingers now. I’M OPPRESSED SO STOP PREEMPTIVELY TRIGGERING ME! I’m gonna call the police and claim rape.

Anyway, hope you enjoy the statistics. Like I said, I’m doing it on a Google Doc so let me know if it causes any problems. I’m hoping that this will be a good way for you to see the stats online. I guess I’ll see you guys next week for the next report. Take care. Fantasy on.

Runners At The Line

The draft is three days away and the NFL season starts in 4. After a crazy pre-season where the Packers went full Niners and pretty much lost their team, I hope we are all ready to do great things in this draft. There are strong keepers everywhere, and that’s the point I’d like to emphasize. This draft will be done through honor system. Other people’s keepers are a must put on your DO NOT DRAFT list. Please be very observant and vigorously watchful of the draft to avoid making mistakes. Now, in the off chance that you accidentally draft another person’s keepers, the way we will handle it is that the person who’s keeper you took will draft an unplayable person in that spot and you will trade. In other words, you lose that draft pick for your mistake.

So, to make sure you do not draft anyone else’s players, please DO NOT DRAFT other people’s keepers. That table is available still on the Google Doc so please use it as a reference table during the draft or make notes separately, however you feel is most appropriate. Just make sure you do not draft another person’s keepers.

Aside from that, let’s have some fun. As always, we can try to Skype or Google hangout the draft. The draft is set for 8:30 this Wednesday. The orders are already set. So hopefully there will be no issues and the fifth season of the Bros Fantasy Football League will be a resounding success.

Keepers Table:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1g0P6u3sNs4QtqPhRasQJDOBNe7fMFT3dtB1RDeuPVMc/edit#gid=0